Thursday, January 22, 2009

7x7 for the new year

a glow in the woods mini Meme. my responses are in olive green

1)Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? i hope that i have left behind some peace, some light and whole lot of love, but mainly i think i left behind the notion that i can have a living child. What do you hope to find in the year to come? I hope to continue to find peace, light and love in everyday things and places, i hope that Lucy is still my guide.

2 | We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally? 
the holidays are not a blindly cheerful, it is a little hard to decorate, there is always a bittersweet sentiment to all the joyous occasions, and most of all there always seems to be someone missing. so i spend the entire month felling like i left some really important behind. and i realize i'll always feel like this like i left some really import in 2007.

3 | If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?
Lucy is a central figure in our life, her death does not remove her from our family. she is very much a part of how we choose to celebrate the holidays. from being present in our daily life to being the one that reminds us to always "be the torch, be the spark, be the candle in the dark." she grounds us and reminds us that it really is about compassion, family and faith more than gifts. we do our very best to include Lucy in our gift giving her nana and tata always send her gifts and her father and i have given her gifts as well. we also give a gift in her memory, in 2007 it was an outfit to a needy child in 2008 i gave birth to our rainbow baby and as a result our memorial gift this year was a donation to a national Milk bank to help sick and premature babies.

4 | Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?
Yes, i doubt that there is anyone that has suffered a loss that feels like holidays or season went unchanged. I sat tearful during the inauguration of our 44th President, because she was not present to experience that moment never-mind that at a 16 months old she'd be pretty hard to keep still for 20 mins but still i was sad. as we went from 2008 to 2009 i was tearful that one more calendar year was here and yet she was gone. and Christmas for now is just a little less cheerful.

5 | Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?
 yes she has a birthday celebration, not so much a party as a gathering. and instead of singing happy birthday we sat in silence and remember her. my family calls it All Love Lucy day i play on her name Olive Lucy. this year i am not sure what we will do. perhaps we will do some kind a joint affair with her Brother birthday (which is 15 days later) or maybe this year i will just wnat to sit at the cemetery and cry. either way i won't decide until the last minute i am sure.

6 | Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?
snow make me smile now because i imagine that when a snowflake falls on me it is her cold nose pressed  against me cheek as she kisses me hello. brings me down... the grey days give me the mean reds

7 | During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

this is the toughest thing. i make myself stop take a deep breath and just BE SAD, be present in my pain, my sorrow, and longing. I allow myself to be sad, because it is a sad to have had my daughter die. i don't make apologies for crying in public or feeling sad when everyone one else is not sad, i don't tell myself that i should get over it, and i don't let other either.