Thursday, October 15, 2009

A wave of light, love and rememberance

Today i cried many tears not only for you my precious and perfect daughter but also for the many babies and families i have met since you slipped away from us.

Some old friends, some new and some i had long forgotten all with a bond over babies loved and lost.

grief is a tragic and sorrowful companion. The sting of child loss is like nothing i have ever known before, but along this painful road we share our stories, we hold out a hand to those beside on us along the way. As we do this we create this beautiful blanket of compassion, love and light that eases our heartache and helps us heal.

Tonight we joined millions of families across the globe when we lit our candle in memory of not just our beautiful and precious daughter, but all the babies that are missed each and every day.

If you lit a candle tonight thank you for remembering my child, my brother's lost children, my friends lost children, and all the children that left us too soon.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Olive Lucy - we miss you more that words can convey and love you more than air.
mom, dad and OS.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

for Lucy on her 2nd Birthday

When you came into our lives we had no idea just how you would change things. we had short a short time with you. Every day was a new adventure, every momentous milestone celebrated from the mundane to the extraordinary.

we miss you each day and hope that where ever it is you are today we hope that your are having a spectacular time filled with joy and surrounded by love.

Olive Lucy Happy Birthday!

our tiny baby gone too soon.

Mommy, Daddy and little brother

Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker

Friday, July 17, 2009

Federal Legislation Action Alert: S1445/HR3212 Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, Education and Awareness Act of 2009

Hello friends it is that time again. we are asking friends and family to put pen to paper on behalf of the 26,000 babies that are stillborn and the nearly 5000 infants that die of sudden unexpected infant deaths each year ( SIDS & SUID) and 200 sudden unexpected deaths of children (SIDS in toddlers)

Thanks you for your support for this Act.

Legislative Action Alert | Your help is needed!
Newly Introduced Legislation will Support Education and Prevention Efforts for Stillbirth, SIDS and other Sudden, Unexpected Infant Deaths (SUID)

First Candle Press Release | Full Text of Bills: S1445, HR3212 | Fact Sheet | Sample Letter

First Candle is pleased to announce that the Stillbirth and SUID Prevention, Education and Awareness Act of 2009 was filed on July 14 by Senator Frank Lautenberg, D-NJ. A companion bill was filed in the House by Frank Pallone, Jr., D-NJ-6. This bill would improve the collection of critical data to determine the causes of stillbirth, SIDS and SUID, increase education and awareness about how to prevent these tragedies in the future and expand support services for families who have experienced a stillbirth, SIDS or SUID loss.
Every year there are more than 25,000 stillbirths in the United States. For more than half these deaths there is no known cause, leaving parents with more questions than answers as to why the baby died. The bill would expand activities to identify the causes of stillbirth, identify ways to prevent it in the future and increase education and awareness about the issue among healthcare providers and parents.
In addition, there are more than 4,600 sudden unexpected infant deaths each year (including SIDS) and 200 sudden unexpected deaths of children between the ages of one and four. This bill encourages states to complete scene investigations to better understand why these children died, establishes a national database to track these deaths and identify risk factors to prevent them in the future, supports more comprehensive reviews and creates a national public awareness campaign to educate parents and caregivers.
We hope you will join us in supporting this legislation.

Please help by contacting your representative in the House and two Senators within the next week, urging them to co-sponsor this important bill.

The more co-sponsors the bill gets, the more likely it is to pass quickly through the House and Senate.

Participating in First Candle’s letter-writing campaign is easy!
Visit to get contact information for the Congressman in your District. You will need your 9-digit zip code. If you do not know your 4 digit extension, you can get it at You will then be able link directly to your Representative’s website.
Visit to get contact information for your state's two Senators. Simply select your state from the drop down menu to connect to your Senators’ websites.
We encourage you to call your representatives directly, or set up an appointment to meet with them face-to-face. Writing a letter or sending an email can be effective as well. Emails can be sent directly through your representatives’ websites.
We have provided a
Fact Sheet about the bill, as well as a sample letter to help guide you.
Whether you are writing a letter or speaking with your representatives directly, be sure to include your personal story.
First Candle would love to receive a copy of your letter or an email detailing your conversation with your representatives for our files.
Members of Congress rely on input from their constituents to help them better understand what issues are important to those they serve. Help give our babies a voice!

Please feel free to contact Laura Reno, 800.221.7437 or with any questions you may have.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

20 months

on April 27 i began to write a poem about what 20 month without you was like it has vanished into the universe.

so here i am today trying to find it and nearly giving up. 
when i found it. once again i am amazed at your power to remind me that we are ALWAYS together you and i.

Olive Lucy my precious beauty i miss you very much.

for Olive Lucy on her 20 month birthday. 

twenty months have come and gone
i can not believe it's been this long
seasons have passed and will come again
we still cry but we try to be strong

we carry you close, 'tis not a strain
you reside not on this plane
but in our hearts for evermore
our precious girl and her dark curly mane

you opened a small door
within my heart, it is you i'll always adore
how i wish that  you where here today
and not residing on a universally distant shore

still feels like 'twas just yesterday 
that you  first took my breath away
with your long lean limbs, and musky smelling hair
you are with me everyday

in the air, everywhere
you compel me to share
your beautiful peaceful light and love
which has saved me from despair

we often speak of 
your special soul above
it been too long
our sweet girl Olive 

twenty months have come and gone
we can not believe it's been this long
seasons have passed and will come again
we still cry but we try to be strong

we love you little girl,
momma, dad and OS

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

O momma

it is not often that i post about things that are seemingly unrelated to my loss with lucy these days but here is something i felt was worth sharing. When lucy died i stopped wearing make up and sort of threw my hands up in the air when it came to my hair. I have had no desire to change anything about my appearance. (as if that would bring her back some how)

Late last year i thought about what i could do with my hair which if you haven't seen me in person in sometime my hair has grown to be it's own nightmare. I have been planing on donating my hair to Locks of Love for Lucy's 2nd birthday and i happened upon an interesting opportunity when i was checking out the LoL website they other day.

O, the Oprah Magazine is working on a story called "Beauty Rehab." So i threw my hat in the ring for the story. I don't know if i got it yet but i did my "go see" with OSD today. and here is a picture from the office (courtesy of the lovely Alicia Bridgewater!)

anyway if you think you fit into her other spot get in touch with her. and remember to tell her Christine sent you.

I'm working on a beauty story for O, The Oprah Magazine called, “Beauty Rehab”

We are looking for women stuck in a beauty rut that want to change.

The categories:

1. Bleaches her hair and wants to go to natural color.

2. Tans and wants to go to natural skin tone.

3. Extremely long hair and wants to cut.

4. Wears heavy make up and wants to tone it down.

If you are interested and live in the New York City area please submit your name, age, contact information, and a recent photo. via email to
Alicia Bridgewater

Edited to add: i found out yesterday i did not get it

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

First Candle Symposium 2009: round tables & welcome

Morning roundtable roundup

I co-hosted with pat flynn from 1st Breath, the State and Local Support groups roundtable.

Please check out some of the groups I met working hard to support families coping with Stillbirth, SIDS/SUIDS

1st Breath, kansas city, mo web info tbp

SIDS center of Indiana
And various groups in the DCarea I will post later

Excellent and in vigorating key note by Dr.yvonne maddox

Saturday, February 28, 2009

our Babies: Always Loved, Always Remembered. A Memorial Albu

Please check out this project from the FirstCandle folks. also today is the last day to get a room as part of the room block for the symposium.

Put a face on our love and our loss.
Help us send parents to Congress on March 25, 2009.

We invite you to help support important Stillbirth/SIDS/SUID legislation by participating in the creation of “Our Babies—Always Loved, Always Remembered—Memorial Album.”

On March 25, 2009 bereaved parents and other infant health advocates from around the country will be coming together on Capitol Hill to lobby for important legislation related to stillbirth, SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) and SUID (sudden unexpected infant death.)

And we want to bring the names of your babies with us!

This book will compliment the parent teams who will share personal stories during visits with key Congressional leaders. The objectives of this Baby Memorial Album are to:

1. Honor our babies with this loving tribute.
2. Create and leave a lasting reminder to Congress that our babies did not die in vain.
3. Raise funds and help pay for airfare/hotel for some enthusiastic families who can’t afford to attend the event.

This Day on the Hill is part of a broader Symposium that will bring in leading researchers to discuss current research efforts and strategies to help save infant lives.

It is our goal to make your legislators aware of the challenges you have faced and convince them that there is a dire need for research, prevention and awareness. As a result of the 2008 Day on the Hill, two bills were drafted and introduced into Congress!
How can you get involved?

With your help, we can make this compelling Memorial Album a reality. This is a place to remember your precious baby with thoughts, photos or even poetry. Here is a list of ideas and donation levels:

$10 Listing of the parents/siblings names, baby’s name, baby’s birth/death date (s), city and state
$25 Listing plus one photo
$50 Quarter-page: listing, photo and 50 additional words (view sample)
$100 Half-page: listing, up to two photos and 100 additional words (view sample)
$200 Full-page: listing, photos of your choice and up to 150 words
Donations of frequent flyer miles or donation of printing costs will also receive a full-page ad.
Deadline for submission is March 10, 2009.

Organizations, institutions, and businesses are also welcome to purchase space at the above levels to send their message of support. Any size donations are gratefully accepted.

To contribute to the memorial album, follow this link to detailed instructions. For more information on the Symposium and Day on the Hill, visit

May the New Year bring comfort and hope to you and your family. If you wish to attend the Symposium and/or the Day on the Hill, there will be an opportunity to deliver this Baby Memorial Album yourself. Whether in person or through the Album, your support can help us as we work toward a future where all babies survive and thrive.

Warm regards,

First Candle and the Parent ‘Baby Memorial Album’ Committee
18 months she's been gone and i still have little more than pictures and memories. no answers, i hope this album will help us show congress that national stillbirth legislation is necessary, research should be funded, we cannot continue to bury 26,000 babies each year. stillbirth in my opinion is an epidemic that crosses socio-economic boundaries.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Her name in the sand

I did not do this or take this photograph it was done for me by to write their names in the sand
they have done this for thousands of families just like mine. and from the bottom of my broken heart i thank them.

I will be adding this banner to my blog perminantly for for now here it is.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

7x7 for the new year

a glow in the woods mini Meme. my responses are in olive green

1)Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? i hope that i have left behind some peace, some light and whole lot of love, but mainly i think i left behind the notion that i can have a living child. What do you hope to find in the year to come? I hope to continue to find peace, light and love in everyday things and places, i hope that Lucy is still my guide.

2 | We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally? 
the holidays are not a blindly cheerful, it is a little hard to decorate, there is always a bittersweet sentiment to all the joyous occasions, and most of all there always seems to be someone missing. so i spend the entire month felling like i left some really important behind. and i realize i'll always feel like this like i left some really import in 2007.

3 | If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?
Lucy is a central figure in our life, her death does not remove her from our family. she is very much a part of how we choose to celebrate the holidays. from being present in our daily life to being the one that reminds us to always "be the torch, be the spark, be the candle in the dark." she grounds us and reminds us that it really is about compassion, family and faith more than gifts. we do our very best to include Lucy in our gift giving her nana and tata always send her gifts and her father and i have given her gifts as well. we also give a gift in her memory, in 2007 it was an outfit to a needy child in 2008 i gave birth to our rainbow baby and as a result our memorial gift this year was a donation to a national Milk bank to help sick and premature babies.

4 | Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?
Yes, i doubt that there is anyone that has suffered a loss that feels like holidays or season went unchanged. I sat tearful during the inauguration of our 44th President, because she was not present to experience that moment never-mind that at a 16 months old she'd be pretty hard to keep still for 20 mins but still i was sad. as we went from 2008 to 2009 i was tearful that one more calendar year was here and yet she was gone. and Christmas for now is just a little less cheerful.

5 | Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?
 yes she has a birthday celebration, not so much a party as a gathering. and instead of singing happy birthday we sat in silence and remember her. my family calls it All Love Lucy day i play on her name Olive Lucy. this year i am not sure what we will do. perhaps we will do some kind a joint affair with her Brother birthday (which is 15 days later) or maybe this year i will just wnat to sit at the cemetery and cry. either way i won't decide until the last minute i am sure.

6 | Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?
snow make me smile now because i imagine that when a snowflake falls on me it is her cold nose pressed  against me cheek as she kisses me hello. brings me down... the grey days give me the mean reds

7 | During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

this is the toughest thing. i make myself stop take a deep breath and just BE SAD, be present in my pain, my sorrow, and longing. I allow myself to be sad, because it is a sad to have had my daughter die. i don't make apologies for crying in public or feeling sad when everyone one else is not sad, i don't tell myself that i should get over it, and i don't let other either.